Her foot is in the door and I don’t want it there. It’s keeping the door open for hurts and disappointments and rejection. It’s keeping me from the good things, the gold, the abundance.
It seems so much of me is wrapped up in trying to figure her out, even though she is gone and I’m not three years old anymore, still I contemplate and extend so much of my energy, even unconsciously towards her.
She feels bigger than life to me, bigger than God. Even when I slam the door, I worry that she will push against the door relentlessly until my feelings of fear, mistrust and confusion come back.
Releasing the pain from my life is the only way to freedom, the only way to become totally and completely me.
The door stays shut sealed by the blood of Jesus and finally I know God is bigger, stronger than anyone, even her.
And I run into the lap of Father God and He holds me and comforts me and loves me and supports me and tells me I am beautiful. I am creative. I am destined for abundance. I believe Him because He is not only my Father, He is my perfect Mother as well.
I was broken by things in my past. Some things are difficult to define and though I can blame others for what has happened to me, I can not hold on to that for it will ruin me. And I forgive, again and again bringing wholeness with each breath, each thunderous clap of freedom.
To move forward I must accept and embrace the gold within me. That gold or worth and value scared me at one time. It overwhelmed and threatened to get ahead of me or overtake and consume me. I wanted to cover it up, squelch it so people wouldn’t expect too much of me.
God gave me gifts but could I use them? Could I really do great things? Hiding the gold so no one but me knows about it helped me to relax a little. If my performance didn’t produce what I wanted then I wasn’t letting anyone down but me. And after all, who cares about me?
Hiding the gold let myself and everyone else down. Why would God give me gifts if He didn’t want me to use them? Letting go of all the hers and hims who damaged, threatened, taunted, cursed and undid me, releases me to grab hold of everything that is right and true and honorable and just and excitingly new in my life.
I am a trophy of God’s grace not because of what I’ve done but because of Him. I am a trophy of God’s grace because of who He created me to be. I am a trophy of God’s grace made to stand in Him.
I am already healed. I am already whole. I already have abundance beyond anything I can ask, think or imagine.
Gifts were given to me for me to release into God’s perfect care. I do not have to strive or perform perfectly. I can cease from striving and give all to Him who will multiply even the smallest things for His glory.
I am saved. I am healed. I am delivered. I walk in freedom and wholeness. Ah, yes wholeness, what I crave, what I desire, to be complete in Him and complete in myself, to accept all the good things God has for me.
I shut the door to the difficulties in the past. There is no possibility of it opening as it is sealed closed.
Now, I can see the gold before me, unlimited opportunity, unlimited potential in God. I can rest and allow the gold to shine as only gold can when polished by Creator God.
“I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly,” John 10:10, ESV.