I was afraid of God. I was afraid of what He might do or not do. I was afraid He wouldn’t protect my children, husband and myself. I was afraid He might make me do something I didn’t want to do. As long as I ate whatever I wanted, I could keep the fears quiet. When I started my journey back to health, the fears raised their ugly head again.
I was left with a choice: Give in and keep eating whatever I wanted and gain even more weight or stop being afraid and start trusting God. Lest I forget the correct choice, God kept putting messages and reminders in my path that whispered, “Trust Me.”
If I didn’t know it before, I know it now: trusting God is absolutely essential. Trusting God means I believe that NO MATTER what, God is working ALL things for my good and His glory, and that He is conforming me into the image of His Son.1
When Did I Stop Trusting
I asked God, “When was it that I stopped trusting You?” It came to me quickly. Nearly six years ago, I was busy with a toddler and new baby. A morning phone call shook me to the core. A dear friend and mother of six children, who also happened to be my second cousin, childhood school mate and former roommate, had died, suddenly and unexpectedly.
At the same time, my husband was experiencing unemployment. It was a stressful time for our family financially. Some months later, I also went through a miscarriage.
Grief and fear hit me and I became stuck in their grip. I felt that I’d had enough. I decided I was going to avoid God, do my best and hope He didn’t notice me.
My spirit became overshadowed and silenced by fears, griefs and worries.
Eating Whatever I Wanted
I decided if God wasn’t going to take care of me and allow my life to go the way I wanted, I would take care of myself. This caused my fears to grow. After losing 180 pounds just a few years before and abandoning my addiction to sugar, I returned to eating it for comfort.
Remember, I was taking care of myself now. The only way I knew how to do that was with food. So, I returned to eating anything and everything I wanted.
On food stamps at the time, food was the only thing plentiful. This made it extra easy to go back to my old “friend” sugar for comfort. My blood pressure slowly started climbing along with my weight.
Eventually, there were full blown panic attacks and several trips to the emergency room. This happened all while trying to live a normal life as a wife and mother, attending church every week, and teaching my children about God.
I Gave Up Freedom
What did I give up by going back to sugar? I gave up my freedom. As a sugar addict when I eat sugar, there is no freedom. I lived my life under compulsion. My focus was on the next tasty morsel no matter what else was happening.
I was sneaking food behind my family’s back. Naturally, this embarrasses me to admit, but as a food addict it’s a reality. The pounds were put on in secret when no one was watching.
Learning to Trust
Learning to trust God again and giving up fear has become a journey within the weight loss journey. I am re-learning to trust God’s character, His goodness, His justice, His sovereignty. He is the one in charge. All my striving and trying to arrange, prevent, preserve cannot undo what He has already ordained.
At the same time, He has never left me.2 He never, ever gave up on me. He has shown me His steadfast love and abundant mercy.3
It was marked before time that I was His. I cannot change that. “God knew what He was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love Him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in Him.”4
He Is After Me
He keeps pursuing me. He reminds me through music, through old hymns and new, how much I am loved and what He has accomplished on my behalf. He tells me I have been completely forgiven for everything. I do not need to be afraid.
He keeps putting beautiful people into my life who share their own stories, their own fears and how God has helped them. (Special thanks to each person in Sweet Change Group. It’s awesome doing life with you.)
He keeps reminding me to pray, to give thanks5 and act against my feelings of despair. He keeps telling me I can allow my heart to trust again.
He gave me a husband who prays for me and with me every evening before we go to sleep and keeps being kind to me no matter what.
He reminds me of His words. “Where can I go from Your Spirit? Where can I flee from Your presence? If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, You are there.”6
Where I used to run from His presence, I now bask in it. Instead of fear, I long to Him near and to remember His promises. His perfect love drives out fear.7
I did not lose a pound this month, but I understand the journey in a whole new way. “Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls,yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will be joyful in God my Savior. “8
Oh and that being afraid of God thing? I don’t recommend it.
Karen Fritzemeier is a homeschooling mom to two children. She and Dean have been married for nine years and live in Michigan. She blogs at http://blueandgreentogether.com/.
At Sweet Change Weight Loss Coaching and Accountability Group we understand that the weight loss journey is as much or more about what goes on in our heart, soul and spirit, as our body. That’s why we don’t just focus on diet plans and ritualistic eating, but on failing more in love with God and who He created us to be. Join us on the journey. You won’t regret it. I’m keeping my birthday special open until Aug. 31. Join now for the lowest rate with only a two months obligation and you get Sweet Change 101: Seven Keys for the Weight Loss Journey FREE. Go HERE Now.
1Romans 8:28-29 ESV
2Hebrews 13:5 ESV
3Psalm 51:1 ESV
4Romans 8:29 MSG
5I Thessalonians 5:18 NAS
6Psalm 139:7-8 NIV
71 John 4:18 NIV
8Habbakuk 3:17, 18, NIV