I am a born writer. From the day God spoke me into being and released me into this world, I have been a writer. He placed in me everything necessary to be who I am. If you cut me, I bleed ink. It is the core of who I am. I am a writer.
Then, stuff happened.
My mother became mentally ill. I have never really wrote those exact words before. My father and grandmother, two major influencers in my life, were always very careful not to use those words.
They said my mother was “sick” or that she had a “nervous breakdown” or that she was “having a bad day.” Sometimes her bad days lasted for months and necessitated her going to the state mental hospital on more than one occasion.
She was manic depressive with schizophrenic tendencies. She was mentally ill.
Growing up I only remember making excuses for my mother. And taking on much more responsibility than a child should. But I was the oldest and a girl.
During the 50s and 60s girls were considered just younger versions of women and magically endowed with all the abilities of adult women as far as cleaning, cooking, washing and taking care of children was concerned.
I was a caregiver from the time I was 2 ½ and my little brother was born. Then, when I was 8 and my little sister was born I stepped in to be more of a caregiver.
Being a caregiver is something I know how to do. Today, I am a professional caregiver with two mentally challenged young women living in my home.
It is how I make a living. It was supposed to free me to find time to write. An,d even though I can find times to write, it always seems there is something else that needs my attention first.
If it’s not my job, then it is volunteer efforts, giving my time to help others, writing articles or designing publications for others. As a trained journalist and publications editor, these are things I can do in my sleep. And yet they are only tremendous substitutes.
A caregiver, a journalist, a helper, though, is not what I am at the core of my being. There is a wooing, a beckoning, a burning deep within to write a book. Not just any book but the book about my story.
Always the stuff of life gets in my way. And I am thrown back into the frey of making a living and taking care of everyone and everything except me.
“As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul.” This is so true for me right now, today. I must prioritize my time, redeem the time. Life is short. We only get one shot at it.
Psalms 90:12 says it well, “Teach us to make the most of our time, so that we may grow in wisdom.”
There are so many good causes, things I would like to be involved in, things I am involved in, other things that pull me. But I know it will take concentrated time in order to do write the story that screams within me.
Maya Angelou says, “There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” I know the reality of this; the weight of this. Sometimes I think if I don’t do this, I will surely die.
All my life has been about writing other people’s stories. Now, I feel it is the time to write mine. I know how to write. I have no qualms about that part. That is not the problem.
I have been writing this story since the day I was born. It will be an easy story to write but to start it is the most difficult part. Once I start, I must go forward. There is no turning back even though there will be those who disagree with what I write. In essence, that perhaps is the reason I fear starting.
God says perfect love casts out fear. So I will allow Him to take care of the fear and I will start.
I will start. I must start. I will start. I will.
I am a born writer.
How do overcome the fear that something you write may be controversial? Leave a comment on the website. I’d love to hear how you deal with this issue.
Teresa Shields Parker is a Christian weight loss author, coach, podcaster, and speaker, who has lost 250 pounds and kept it off since 2013. Her books include: “Reconnecting Jayne: Her Sister’s Support,” “Rebuilding Jayne: Her Father’s Protection,” “Sweet Grace: How I Lost 250 Pounds and Stopped Trying to Earn God’s Favor,” “Sweet Grace Study Guide,” “Sweet Victory: Winning the Battle,” “Sweet Surrender: Breaking Strongholds,” “Sweet Journey to Transformation: Practical Steps to Lose Weight and Live Healthy”, “Sweet Freedom: Losing Weight and Keeping It Off With God’s Help,” “Sweet Freedom Study Guide,” “Sweet Change: True Stories of Transformation,” “Sweet Hunger: Developing an Appetite for God,” and “Sweet Excuses: Stop Lying to Yourself & Start Losing Weight.” She also offers Overcomers Christian Weight Loss Academy and VIP intensive coaching. Don’t miss her weekly podcast, Sweet Grace for Your Journey, where she shares tips from her personal journey of losing weight and discovering healthy living. Contact her at [email protected].
To answer your question – it looks like you are overcoming this already! ;-) Excellent post. Reminds me that we must all avoid “vanilla” writing. Thank you!
Wow, thanks, Mike. I guess I hadn’t looked at it that way. I did kind of put it out there, didn’t I?
I’ve gotten beyound any fear of what people might think of my writing, my music, or my actions. The only fear I have is what God thinks. I feel confident that if I am in constant communion with God, He will guide my tongue and my hand.
That is truth, Jerry. I never fear it in any other writing I’ve done and I have done a lot through the 40 plus years I’ve been writing. It’s just that this is so important to me. I think I have made it bigger in my mind than it really is. I do know what God thinks. He thinks I need to write the book.
Write – just write, Teresa. Don’t worry what kind of story you’ll end up with or if anyone will be offended. Nothing matters except getting the story in your head down on paper. Don’t edit until you have a first draft. Don’t worry if it will ever be published. We don’t have unlimited time on this planet – write! Do it!
Sorry to sound so harsh, but I know how you feel. Don’t give up before the first word on the page is even written. Write as if your life depends on it, because it does. LB
Hey Linda, not harsh at all. I call it truth. And I need a strong dose of it. So feel free to send it my way whenever you feel the urge! Thanks bunches.
Hi, Teresa – beautiful post! I can feel the yearning through it. Your story would be a great book, and I understand how difficult it would be to write it. I think you’re missing one small thing, though. You say you’re going to need a large block of concentrated time in order to write, but I think that’s the thing that’s holding you back. Your life really doesn’t allow for large blocks of concentrated time (as a caregiver, how could it?). Instead, I would say – start with a small snippet of time and write SOMETHING. Then, allow yourself another snippet of time and write a little more. If you knock it out in small bites, you’re much more likely to actually write your story. And your story needs to be told. : ) There are people out there who need to hear it. Blessings on your 2013!
Thanks, Lisa. I remember when I started exercising the leader of a support group I was in said, “How do you get other things in your life done?” I said, “I put them on my calendar.” He said, “Can you put exercise on your calendar?” And so I have and have been doing that six days a week for over a year and half. So I think I need to do the same thing with writing. An hour or two a day and the book would be written in no time.
Teresa, I have known you for a long time, admittedly I don’t know you as well as a lot of your friends, but I have always seen the desire in you to write. I know for me walking every day is my challenge and the hardest part is taking that first step out of the door. Once I am out the door the momentum has begun and continuing on is the easy part! I have an accountability partner and we keep track of each other so that also helps. Throw caution to the wind – disregard what others might think – make writing your number one job and START!
Thanks, Mary Jennie. I think the difficulty is not writing per se but putting it all together in a book. And you know I have a business to run and a family and…lots of excuses. But you are right. I just need to focus on the book.
For me, it is fearing God more than man! When you share God’s Word in your writing it will offend people. That is OK! We must be seekers of truth not applause. I would encourage you to just write when you have time. I am finding out that a book is not written all at once; it is written little by little like a trek through the mountains–one step at a time. I started writing devotionals 2 years ago on the theme, “God Is!” After I started I got some positive feedback with people saying that I should publish them. Well, I set a goal to write 52 “God Is” devotionals and it has taken me 2 years to write 45. So, to finish this year, I need to write 7 more and edit them into a book. Maybe this year will be the year to publish for me. It sounds like your story is worth telling and dedicating the time to write it–paragraph by paragraph regardless of how long it takes. With prayer, Mark Worden
Line by line, precept by precept. The people I am concerned about damaging reputations are deceased now but they have children and grandchildren. Essentially its my extended family. But i must write this. I cannot not.
Also have wriiten several similiar posts. God of surprises, interruptions, purpose, family, love. Might make a good book one day.
The bible reveals even its heroes flaws. You have written many shorter things that reveal your heart and what it was like for you. You have a gift of sharing things that inspire, encourage and make people think. You go girl!
Thanks, Friend! It’s burning a hole in my heart. So, I think it’s inevitable that it come out!
Beautiful post, Teresa. My husband has a mental illness, and I’ve had to be a caretaker in the past, too. I’m so glad you are moving beyond your pain and finding time to share your thoughts with us. Keep writing!
Lori, I had great admiration for the way my father took care of my mother. His patience and endurance was phenomenal. When we starting taking care of our first mentally challenged and mentally ill foster son, we went to see a psychologist who helped us figure out how do this. He told us to practice non-reaction. As a very involved, expressive mother this was difficult for me to do. But it was wise advice. Practicing non-reaction meant realizing what he was saying was coming from his illness and not because of who I am or even what I did. It helped greatly. So I certainly know it would be doubly hard to do this with a spouse. Kudos to you!
I can so relate to your struggle Teresa. This is typical of those who have assumed a lot of responsibility in their lives for others. Learning to let go of taking care of others to nurture your dreams is an ongoing challenge. There are no easy answers. It’s a battle. I prayed for years that the Lord would show me what responsibility to let go of and what to assume and slowly but surely, He’s shown me several things. I’ll mention three. One, to change the line of work which bogged me down and kept me from pursuing my writing dreams. Two, let people close to me solve their own problems and not getting my sense of value and worth by problem solving things for them. This frees up a lot of time. They make mistakes but learn better than when I try to fix it for them. :-)
Three, has been joining a productivity group and setting monthly goals. Accountability with support works for me.
Thanks Sharon. What group are you part of? I’d love to be part of a productivity group as well.
Teresa,
I loved your heartfelt post. The world needs books that are honest and transparent. As far as people not liking what you write. Many don’t like God’s book either. I figure if he can handle it, he’ll help us handle it. I’ll be praying for you. And sometimes when people are caretakers they need to put themselves on their list.
Yes I often need to remind myself that I need to “give myself medicine” first.
I appreciate the transparency here. It is a fine line between writing “our” truths, without stepping on toes of others truths, especially when it relates to family. You did a good job here of stating the facts about your mother without bashing her. Thank you for sharing
You hit the nail on the head. That is exactly what I am concerned about. I heard all the time growing up that we are family. We take care of our own. We stick together. We hid the truth a lot. So I think deep inside I have this feeling that when I tell my version of the truth I’m being disloyal. Thanks for helping see what has been there all time with my hesitancy in writing about this topic.
I think Jeff said that balance is impossible. In order to do one thing we must give up another. UGGGHHH. Boundaries–I have tried to set boundaries and that has helped me. Figuring out what to keep and what to let go has been hard . . . I wanted to spend less time cleaning–so I cleared out some (not all) clutter–still a work in progress. I wash the clothes and the kids fold their own. I cleared out my wardrobe and now I have fewer choices . . . more time. John 3:30-or G.K. Chesterton “How much larger your life would be if your self became smaller in it.”
You are on your way! The Mastermind group will hopefully give you a boost!
Be blessed.
Thanks Renee. I actually wrote about 2500 words this morning. Its a start. I plan on going to the group later this afternoon. But Google + is a bit of a mystery to me. We shall see.
Teresa-Powerful post. I loved “As I unclutter my life, I free myself to answer the callings of my soul.” This is so true…gentle reminders such as this put us back on the correct path. Overcome controversial writing?-I’m still working on it. But reading writings such as yours allows me to gain more strength to do so.
I feel that I am just starting down this path though I have been writing in some form or fashion for 40 years!
I believe this: that we are born with a destiny, a God-given calling that we grow into. Great to see you stepping into yours, Teresa.
Thanks, Jeff. Growing into it is so true. I’ve been writing for 40 years. The desire to write this particular book has been growing in me all this time. When it grows so big it envelops your whole being, it’s time to either kill it or let it out to grow beyond the confines I’ve put it in.
Teresa – these are powerful words and I believe you have taken that first step in writing your story. No matter what we write, there will always be some who don’t agree with us or like what we say. As writers, God has given us a calling to share, and we must obey Him. I like what Pastor Charles Stanley says, “Obey God and leave all the consequences to Him.”
Blessings,
Joan
Thanks, Joan. Pastor Stanley’s words are not so easy to follow sometimes!
Write your version of the story. The events of your life. Your feelings, thoughts, and perceptions are uniquely yours. What is important is how it impacted you. Everyone in the room has their own point of view. You do not need to write history, you need to write your story. My best most creative projects came without all this pressure for perfection you seem to put on yourself. In the words of the old Nike commercial, “Just do it”. You have so many people that love you it doesn’t matter if you write a bunch of gibberish. In fact a bunch of gibberish would probably be a best seller.
Never thought I would tell anyone thanks for inadvertently calling my writing a bunch of gibberish but this actually made me tear up a bit. And the fact that this comment comes from you means all that much more. I just learned recently by taking the Kolbe score that I am a fact finder. Thus I am very prone to get every detail right. But “right” is a relative term depending on who saw what detail. I am going to right this from the point of view of how it felt. That’s really all I can do. It’s taken me at least 40 years but I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it won’t be perfect.
And see I’m not perfect evidenced by the fact that I wrote “right” instead of write.
Nice post! I can relate to mental illness as some of my family suffers from depression. My parents were alcoholics, my brother was involved in drugs. My sister and I were pretty much the “straight arrows”. My sister was my caregiver at my birth(she was eight). My mother was “sickly”(many health issues)most of the time. I became caregiver for my mom and grandmother when they aged.
Glad you are writing Teresa!
Happy New Year!
Thanks Sylvia. I luckily did not have to deal with alcoholism. My grandfather on my father’s side was. He died shortly after I was born. All of the men as far back as my father remembered were alcoholics. He broke the curse for our family. Thanks for your encouragement, Sylvia.
Teresa- I just got onto the Tribe Group on FB and came here to read your post. Wow! You inspired me to stay on this journey and when you shared your heart, I could not help but be moved by your story, yes, YOUR story. No other person can tell it- your viewpoint, your experiences, your feelings- they are all YOURS and I do pray that you would put all that onto paper to share, encourage and inspire others as you have already done that for me. Thank you!
I am all about everyone else’s story. Guess it’s time I told my own.
Given what you’ve written, I’d like for you to read this, and perhaps find this woman’s book as well: http://collaborativewriter.wordpress.com/2011/05/24/writing-as-a-way-of-healing/
I think it will help you tremendously on your path. Best wishes!
Thanks, I will check it out. I have read about book on this topic by Linda Jo Meyers, Writing Your Healing Memoir.